It’s not my problem so why do I need help?
Why does the partner of a sex addict need to get help? Many partners have found out about their partner’s sexual addiction through discovering the evidence. This discovery leaves partners in shock, confused, and filled with overwhelming, shifting and volatile emotions. They often feel out of control due to a powerful emotional experience of betrayal. They can become withdrawn and shut down as they spring in action trying to exert control while still feeling out of control. They often first encourage or demand that the sex addict gets the professional help that he/she needs. They can become stuck in a psychological state of being on “alert” to signals and signs of slips or relapses. They are often not able to take very good care of themselves while they try to take care of everyone else. They are suffering deeply and for many in silence and isolation as they feel too vulnerable or ashamed to talk to family or friends.
Partners need to seek professional help so they can begin to understand that there is no shame in being in relationship with a sex addict. They need to lean on others who they can depend on and who can help them reestablish a connection to a safe world where boundaries are respected and people can be trusted. They need to be told and really hear that they did not cause the addiction and are not part of the problem of addiction. They need to learn all about sex addiction and what recovery for the addicts looks like so that they can establish the boundaries they need in order to take care of themselves as they heal.
Once partners of sex addicts get the help they need, they understand that the best way to take care of others is by taking care of themselves.
Elizabeth Corsale, MA, MFT
www.pathwaysinstitute.net