I often talk with people in therapy about how their sexual addiction can be seen as an intimacy disorder. This is not always true, but when it is, the sexual addiction is an attempt to get intimacy needs met, but the real needs don’t get met, or some needs get met, but the consequences are too great to make it viable. This re-frame is often helpful. It helps you see that your behavior is not crazy but just misdirected and the work becomes learning how to redirect your behavior so that you get your real needs met without negative consequences. An example of this is someone who engages in compulsive masturbation with porn whenever he gets overwhelmed or stimulated with strong feelings. The sex addiction behavior shows up as a way to try to dampen down these feelings. The feelings may get dampened down, but the sexual energy expended often exacts a high price on the person (because the most important use of this energy is to create a powerful connection with another person; and the expenditure of this energy to porn is sort of like throwing it away and getting very little back). But the real need is to have someone to talk with about these feelings both to calm the feelings down and to create a connection with the other person. This sounds simple and basic, but it can be a daunting task when you have never had someone be there for you, or you haven’t had practice at expressing your feelings and needs with someone. As a person with an intimacy disorder shifts from a sex addiction behavior to getting their intimacy needs met, he often learns that the path of intimacy is a path that will lead him towards real love with a partner and when he gets on this path and pretty far along it, he usually won’t want to go back to the sex addiction. It can take a good bit of work and time to do this, but its doable and very worth it.
Our website is www.sexaddicthelp.com