No 1. Establishing Sobriety
Establishing and maintaining sobriety – stopping the bleeding – is often a good place to start with someone struggling with an addiction, and sex addiction is no exception.
If a person desires improved relationships with others, especially with a spouse/partner, then getting clear on ‘bottom lines’ – and then implementing them – will be most helpful. What is a ‘bottom line?’ Bottom lines (or one’s Inner Circle in the SAA tradition) are a list of behaviors that a person knows he or she needs to stop engaging in. There is no wiggle room here, simply a clear understanding that these particular behaviors are quite harmful and need to stop, and as such have landed on the bottom line.
Establishing sobriety and adhering to bottom lines is often how addicts begin the transformation from ‘pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization’ to a semblance of sanity and serenity. It is also a highly personal process and what one person includes on his/her bottom lines may not show up on another’s. Avoiding extremes is typically recommended (although in some cases, extreme measures need to be taken). As the client, you get to decide.
Of course, the goal is not to abstain from sex permanently. It’s not healthy or realistic to expect an individual to stop having sex and relationships forever; similar to eating disorders, the plan is not to stop eating. The goal is to have a healthy relationship with sex and love.
Starting the process of identifying your bottom line behaviors is one of the primary steps and an essential piece of beginning your sexual recovery. Meeting with a therapist who has experience treating individuals with sexual addiction can help you explore and identify where to start in changing your behaviors and developing a plan.
And although identifying bottom lines may seem like an infringement on one’s freedom, my clients report that implementing such bottom lines actually gives them more freedom where it really counts – from destructive patterns that previously sabotaged their relationships. So the ‘bottom line’ is: establishing sobriety via bottom lines improves not only one’s serenity but one’s relationships as well.
No 2. Self-care/spiritual practices
Many addicts operate unconsciously with two core beliefs:
1) I’m a bad person
2) My needs don’t count
Most of my clients struggle with taking their own needs seriously and implementing them. As a result, they have an inclination towards self-deprivation and don’t practice adequate self-care. A major part of recovery from sex addiction is establishing a consistent, daily self-care and/or spiritual practice. Having a morning and evening practice (2x/day) is ideal, although in the beginning just carving out 5-10 minutes once a day is often a good place to start.
Some examples are: prayer, meditation, yoga, journaling, reading 12 Step literature or other inspirational literature, keeping a gratitude journal, reading from a comic book, etc.
No 3. Addressing/healing trauma
Most of my sex addiction clients have endured traumas in their earlier years that are adversely affecting them in the present. Being a trauma informed care practitioner and assisting in identifying and healing such traumas can be quite helpful to the recovery process. Trauma Informed Care also emphasizes physical, psychological and emotional safety, and helps survivors rebuild a sense of control and empowerment.
Basic principles of Trauma Informed Care:
- A safe therapeutic environment is essential to aid in recovery.
- Trauma-related symptoms and behaviors originate from adapting to traumatic experiences.
- Recovery from trauma is identified as a goal in treatment.
- Resiliency and trauma-resistant skills training are part of treatment, especially shame resiliency and developing a relationship with one’s Inner Ally.
- Trauma-Informed Care includes a focus on strengths rather than pathology.
Trauma recovery is a collaborative effort.
No 4. Mindfulness
To a large degree, mindfulness is the key to recovery from sex addiction. In particular, developing the practice of identifying one’s prominent emotional triggers to acting out can make the difference between maintaining abstinence and yet another agonizing slip or relapse.
Basic principles of Mindfulness:
- Developing emotional awareness (what am I feeling in this moment?)
- Distress tolerance/affect regulation
- ’Learning to stay’ with difficult feelings, especially shame, loneliness, failure, etc,
- Stress management skills
No 5. Compassion
Two wings of recovery: Due Diligence and Compassion
Many clients I work with do well with the ‘due diligence’ part of recovery. On a regular basis they attend therapy, 12 Step meetings, work with a sponsor, work the 12 Steps, pray and meditate, etc. But when it comes to compassion (the other wing of recovery), they struggle. For many clients a significant part of treatment is opening to self-appreciation and being compassionate with oneself.
Basic elements of compassion:
- Forgiveness
- Empathy
- Acceptance
- Connecting with the Inner Ally
*recommended readings: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
No 6. Creating and Maintaining a Support Network
Most clients I work with that are challenged with sex addiction suffer from isolation. The pain of isolation makes matters worse as it exacerbates turning to sexually addictive behaviors for relief from the pain. Thus, assisting and encouraging clients to create and maintain a healthy support network is a vital part of sex addition treatment.
Basic elements of Creating and Maintaining a support network:
- Building community
- Fostering a feeling of belonging
- Avoiding isolation (addiction and isolation go hand in hand)
- Learning to reach out for help rather than isolate
No 7. Fostering intimacy
Sex addiction can be seen as an intimacy disorder. In his popular 2015 TED talk, “Everything You Think You Know about Addiction is Wrong,” journalist Johann Hari discusses research into the underlying causes of and effective treatments for addiction, ultimately concluding, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection.”
Basic elements of Intimacy:
- Communication and conflict resolution skills
- Creating healthy sex
- Being mindful of adrenaline rush sex vs. relational sex
- Transformation of one’s Arousal Template
- Recommended reading: Erotic Intelligence: 4 cornerstones of Intimacy, p.7
- Learning how to make and keep win-win agreements (rather than compromising)
- Being mindful of and letting go of resentments
- Cultivating healthy vulnerability